the parable of the good republican

(Luke 10:25-37 for a modern audience)

25 And, behold, a certain MBA graduate stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit vast sums of money from my wealthy parents who manage thine hedge funds?

26 He said unto him, What is written in the books of Trump? how readest thou?

27 And he answering said, Thou shalt endeavour to have thine earnings taxed at the rate for capital gains; and neglect not to make use of the carried interest exemption.

28 And He said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live exceeding well and see many paupers suffer in thy time.

29 But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And what of my neighbour, who still labours for salaried wages?

30 And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among a number of large corporate bankers, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31 And by chance there came down a certain liberal that way: and when he saw him, he went off to find governmental authorities to provide assistance.

32 And likewise a Sodomite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and he too went in search of the authorities, but in an exceeding swishy and fruity manner.

33 But a certain Republican, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had obvious solicitude for him,

34 And went to him, and looked on his wounds, and said, “Thou shouldst appear before a specialist for thine hurts. Hast thou health insurance of surpassing quality?” And, drinking unto himself a cup of wine of exceeding price and taste, he taught the man that the Lord God hath commanded the bankers to do him harm perforce in order to punish the man for homosexual behavior, or for failure to attend the proper house of worship. He suggesteth unto the man that he might borrow copious funds from his forebears to create a business concern, which wouldst then allow him to obtain exceeding generous tax relief from the pro-business candidate to be the next emperor, who was knownst to be far kinder to job creators than the current emperor. As the Republican aided the man in this fashion, the man crawled himself to an inn and with his last coins secured himself a room, wherein he collapsed unto the bed. But the Republican pointed out that surely the man should takest the floor and the Republican the bed, for the Republican’s charitable givings had been exceeding large in the previous tax year, and such generosity must be justly rewarded,

35 And on the morrow when the Republican departed, he took the man’s beast as reasonable payment for the Republican’s time and advice, and said unto the innkeeper, “As thou art a business owner, perchance wouldst thou wish to contribute to the Romney/Ryan campaign? Verily I say unto thee that I am a bundler unto this campaign, and wouldst be mightily honored to accept thy donation unto their cause. Believeth me, when thine tax savings accrueth unto thee, thy generosity will be repaid many times over.” Thus too did he secure substantial 501(c)(4) donations from those selfsame bankers who had beaten and robbed the now destitute man earlier in this tale.

36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the corporate bankers?

37 And he said, He that explained the teachings of Rand and Reagan unto him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.


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