debate I: the debatening (or, please kill me)

I don’t know what the fuck I just watched, but I do know it felt like I beat myself in the head repeatedly with a cast-iron skillet, only with less sex appeal.

At this point in the campaign, what we know is that Mitt “Mitt” Romney is going to cut taxes by 20%, not cut taxes at all, close a bunch of tax loopholes, not close any loopholes, loves health care reform but will repeal it because his health care reform was a model for all fifty states but not the nation as a whole, won’t repeal the good parts of health care reform, but will repeal the whole thing, will protect people with pre-existing conditions, won’t do anything to protect people with pre-existing conditions, is planning on not increasing military spending, is planning to increase military spending by $2 trillion, so appreciates the importance of regulation to a well-functioning economy that he will repeal all regulations once in office, will drastically cut the size of the federal government while not cutting a penny out of any federal government program, loves teachers, poor people, and ponies, and will work tirelessly with both parties in Congress to pass a comprehensive bill that will make it the law that only Nice Things can happen from now on, and no Bad Things will ever happen again.

President Obama, meanwhile, stands for…what you have to realize is that…we’ve made it very clear that…uh…if…if his numbers don’t add up then…it’s not what we…but you…

And moderator Jim Lehrer is…Mr. Lehrer, are you…? Jim? Is he…? JESUS CHRIST SOMEBODY CHECK FOR A PULSE!

Sullivan had a total meltdown on Twitter, which was funny but started to get uncomfortable after a while.

Chuck Todd and the dimwits on MSNBC, meanwhile, are calling this a huge win for Romney even though he, you know, lied about everything. But the lies only matter if people think they were lies! And it’s not like the gang at MSNBC have anything to do with informing the public so as to allow them to spot and react to all of Romney’s lies! They’re journalists, not explain-stuff-that-politicians-say-and-inform-people-about-the-facts doers or whatever you call them!

Truth vigilantes? That’s the name, right?


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