you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan

Not to toot my own horn, but apparently somebody at Jeff Zucker’s The New CNN caught my award-eligible post offering 10 simple fixes for what ails the struggling network. Sounds like some much-needed changes are in the offing:

Onetime Today boss-turned-CNN president Jeff Zucker may find a new home for the NBC morning program’s shoddily shipped-off Ann Curry — as CNN’s new 8 o’clock anchor.

Good move, guys. I’m not sure Ann Curry will fix what ails you, but making any change to that prime-time disaster zone of subhumanity you’ve got now has to be a positi–wait, 8 o’clock? That can’t be right, because your 8 o’clock anchor is probably the only non-disaster you’re putting on the air. What gives? Just shifting everybody around?

Sources tell the New York Post that if Curry is placed in the primo position (as part of a larger bid to boost the cabler’s flagging ratings), current anchor Anderson Cooper would segue into a “globetrotting correspondent” role.

What the hell? Your primetime lineup currently consists of human carrion-eater Erin Burnett, Anderson Cooper, and galactic embarrassment to the species Piers Morgan, and you’re thinking about replacing…Cooper? The one anchor you’ve got outside of Soledad O’Brien (start updating that resume, Soledad!) who actually practices journalism on a more than accidental level? Are you joking?

Maybe it’s a ratings thing, and I’m not a ratings guy, so lets look at the ratings. Hm, no, with few exceptions, Cooper is their highest rated prime-time anchor, and combining first run and first replay, he’s nearly always ahead of Morgan and Burnett. I don’t get it.

But that’s not the only change you’re making, right? You can still get rid of Morgan at least, which is a total no-brainer, right? RIGHT?

CNN host Piers Morgan could join the late-night crowd.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“They will keep Piers. He’ll be the kind of person Zucker will want to keep. They are not interested in doing a total cleaning of house,” said one exec familiar with the discussions.

Even before the arrival of Zucker, the network had been combing Hollywood talent agencies, touting the possibility of a late-night talk show.

I just…I can’t…I mean, WHY? At least when you guys are getting your asses kicked by Fox and MSNBC, that’s only two stations, and you can plausibly argue that neither one is doing “straight news” (neither are you, but let’s play along with the charade for now). Now you’re going to launch a late-night talk show so you can compete with, and be beaten by, NBC, CBS, ABC, TBS, Comedy Central, and who knows who else? WHY?

And Morgan? Seriously? He embarrasses your whole brand and his ratings don’t justify the embarrassment! What are you all thinking?


One thought on “you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan

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