I would like to direct your attention to the fact that Turkmenistan is awesome in every way. It is the greatest of the former Soviet Republics because it has “Turk” and “men” right there in the name, so you know you are getting Turks who are men and that is something you can’t put a price on. Also, nice buildings:
And if you like stuff, there is lots of stuff in Turkmenistan! They have coastline on the Caspian Sea, which is water where you can swim, probably, if you don’t mind taking a Silkwood shower after. Their wonderful humanitarian leader, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov, keeps things orderly and calm by not allowing any political opposition and inviting ethnic Russians to never leave the country! And you’ll love the country’s newly “free press,” which uses its great freedoms to write only about successful business stories lest its reporters be invited to live in high-security government accommodations! Really, what is not to like about this country?
You may have heard some ridiculous criticisms of the Turkmeni government on the grounds of so-called “human rights violations,” but these are all lies perpetrated by “activists” like Annakurban Amanklychev, who probably likes to sexually assault goats or something and is only living in Turkmenistan’s high-security government accommodations because they are worried he might accidentally injure himself in some way if he is allowed to live on his own! He is very clumsy! And also there is no torture of political prisoners being done there! “No pain, no gain,” right? So think of how much those people are gaining and you’ll realize it’s not torture, it’s a comprehensive welfare plan!
In conclusion, I want to make it clear that I am just writing all of this because I feel like it, and because somebody should write this kind of thing about a wonderful free paradise like Turkmenistan. It’s not like Turkmenistan is paying me six figures to do it or anything.
Really, it’s not.
But they could, I’d be down with that.