you get a cookie, part 1 of ???: cardinal dolan

Will probably enjoy his cookie
Will probably enjoy his cookie

I’ve decided to start a new feature here at the highly-uninfluential wonderments. Irregularly, as with everything else I do, I’d like to find examples of true compassion, courage, and humanity and highlight those stories, while offering a well-deserved cookie to those who have earned them.

Our first tale of decency and kindness, appropriately as we wrap up the blessed Easter weekend, is America’s Cardinal, Timothy Dolan of the NYC Archdiocese. Cardinal Dolan joined “This Week” to explain to hobbit host Georgewise Dipshee that the Catholic Church loves gays, just not in that way:

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS (HOST): And you know, especially this week – because it’s been at the top of the news – for many gay and lesbian Americans –– gay and lesbian Catholics, they feel unwelcome –– in the Church. And what do you say as a minister, as a pastor – to a gay couple that comes to you and say, “We love God. We love the Church. But we also love each other, and we –– want to raise a family in faith. What do you say to them?

DOLAN: Well, the first thing I’d say to them is, “I love you, too. And God loves you. And you are made in God’s image and likeness. And – and we – we want your happiness. But – and you’re entitled to friendship.” But we also know that God has told us that the way to happiness, that – especially when it comes to sexual love – that is intended only for a man and woman in marriage, where children can come about naturally. We gotta be – we gotta do better to see that our defense of marriage is not reduced to an attack on gay people. And I admit, we haven’t been too good at that.

Let’s look past the fact that this man, who fails on two of Christianity’s seven mortal sins (pride, for presuming to speak for his god, and gluttony, because look at him) just in this one paragraph, has defined marriage to exclude not only gays, but also anyone who is unable or unwilling to procreate “naturally” (and holy shit I am NOT unpacking that one). The important message is, hey, he loves you gays anyway, even though you broke his heart when you came out like that! I mean, he doesn’t LOVE love you, like “I think you should have equal rights” love you. In fact he’s compared the idea that you should be allowed to get married to legalizing polygamy or incest, and compared the New York’s passage of marriage equality to living under a Communist dictatorship. But he doesn’t want to stone you, or anything, and that’s good! You’re all made in God’s image and likeness, and although you fucked that all up by deciding to be gay, you should still be happy (within narrow, church-defined parameters of “happiness,” TBD). And you can still have friends! No benefits, please.

Cardinal Dolan, for your courageous and loving declaration that gays are still basically people, just not normal people, you have risen far above barely slipped over the bar to be considered a basic human being and not a completely immoral monster. Your open-minded view that the homosexual should still be permitted to mix in polite society and may carry on chaste but rewarding friendships with other homosexuals, and presumably even with normal folk should they choose, has earned you this coveted cookie. Congratulations, and be sure to eat it in one of those frilly costumes you guys like to dress up in so often.

Eat this cookie, EAT IT.
Eat this cookie, EAT IT.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.