you get a cookie! part 6 of ???: tim brando

Earlier today, NBA center Jason Collins became the first male athlete in any of the four major North American sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL, which is somehow included in this list despite the fact that, and I say this as a huge hockey fan, you know). Most of the reaction was positive and encouraging, minus the usual grunting and carnival barking, but none of the negative reactions could compare to the saga of Tim Brando, who I’m sure we all know as “who?” Tim is an analyst or broadcaster or janitor for the CBS Sports Network, which is a channel better known to us sports aficionados as “CBS has a what now?” I can only assume that Tim, pictured below either broadcasting a game or having seized a microphone after biting the actual broadcaster’s nose off, is only using this CBS gig to bring in some steady cash flow while he pursues his real career as a person who explains to other people what words ought to mean.

This is clearly a man who knows words, and their meanings.
This is clearly a man who knows Words, and their Meanings.

Tim needed to say this about that:

Tim is well-positioned to explain to us all what the word “hero” should, nay, must, mean to each of us, because he uses the word only in the most appropriate of ways, like to refer to other broadcasters, or “Hootie”* from “Hootie and the Blowfish,” or a golfer one time. Heroes all, and you can take that to the bank.

But explain at us some more, largely unknown TV sport guy!

No, that’s not history, that’s everything I ever ate in my entire life, which I just threw up on the floor on account of you making me think about a Tim Brando SEX tape. Tim was willing to concede that what Collins did took bravery, but THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIM A HERO BECAUSE WORDS AND SHUT UP.

YEAH! IT DOESN’T TRANSLATE TO HEROISM AND IT IS A–wait, what the hell? “It’s a choice?” Tim, you’re not saying that–

Oh, OK, the TIMING is a choice! Well, heh, that is true, I mean…wait, I’m sorry, there was earlier stuff you twitted at people?

Hm, no, sorry. Tim was definitely talking about teh ghey when he twitted “it’s a choice.” Twitter kind of blew up at him over that, so Tim, who, despite being the sole human repository of what heroism is, is a coward as well as a liar, tried to back his way out of there. Unfortunately, Tim, twitting is forever, dude.

So here, have a cookie and hope nobody at your little network thingy reads Twitter or cares about their employees twitting really stupid stuff on it. I offer you your choice; you may consume whichever cookie does it for you:
penis cookies



Your call.

UPDATE: I don’t know how I left out this sad little whine:

This is clearly a man who knows who The Real Heroes are. AND, he’s got admirers!

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