you get a cookie! part 8 of ???: prince al-waleed bin talal

Being tied for 26th place on Forbes‘ “World Billionaires List” seems like not such a bad thing to me. Maybe it’s the “not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from” talking, but seems to me you could live pretty comfortably even being the guy who doesn’t quite make the cut into the top 100 world billionaires, meaning you’ve got to make do with something less than $10.6 billion. It would be hard, I mean a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to, but still I think it would probably be OK? But tied for 26th place puts you at a nice, tidy $20 billion net worth, which, yeah, that would just about do.

"My thick, rich chest hair is worth another $10 billion all by itself."
“My thick, rich chest hair is worth another $10 billion all by itself.”

But this is why I am me and not Saudi professional rich person Prince al-Waleed bin Talal, News Corp’s largest shareholder not named “Murdoch” and apparently kind of a dick. See, the prince is very angry at Forbes for grossly underestimating his holdings, to the tune of an additional $9.6 billion, which would put him all alone at 10th place on the billionaire’s list, which I confess I’m having trouble believing is a Thing That Exists, let alone the fact that being in last place on said list still means you’re sitting on $10.6 billion. Anyway, Prince al-Waleed is suing Forbes for defamation, or libel, or something, because somehow they’ve materially harmed his ability to, I don’t know, brag about his wealth at the Billionaires’ Club, or impress the ladies, or something. It’s not important, because he’s suing Forbes in the UK, where they famously don’t care if what’s been printed is “actually the truth” or has “caused the plaintiff any real harm to anything other than his apparently china doll-fragile ego,” so there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll win or at least make Forbes move him up the money list in a settlement. This would raise all sorts of interesting questions about the Forbes Billionaires List, like will they just take your word for it? Because I am absolutely worth well over $100 billion and I’ll sue anybody who says otherwise, and also those other billionaires on that list should probably just give me all their money because I already have so much of it that I obviously deserve more. AMEND YOUR FALSE AND DEFAMATORY LIST, FORBES! My preschool-aged child team of high-powered attorneys is awaiting your next move.

But I digress. We’re here to help the helpless and befriend the friendless, and Prince al-Waleed, I just want you to know that I understand. Here, have these lovely cookies. Take enough of them and maybe Forbes will have to rethink that list after all.

dollar cookies


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