Plus ça change, plus c’est la même Iran

BREAKING: IRAN ELECTS NEW HARD-LINE PRESIDENT WHO HAS TREMENDOUS AUTHORITY AND REPRESENTS AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO THE UNITED STATES AND HER ALLY ISRAEL

BREAKING: IRAN ELECTS NEW MODERATE PRESIDENT, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THE IRANIAN PRESIDENT HAS NO REAL POWER, AND THE SUPREME LEADER OF IRAN IS STILL THE SAME GUY AS BEFORE, AND HE IS DEFINITELY AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO THE UNITED STATES AND HER ALLY ISRAEL

This man was simultaneously an imminent threat and completely powerless. Who knew?
This man was simultaneously an imminent threat and completely powerless. Who knew?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been President of Iran for eight years now, and for almost that entire time we’ve been told that the Iranian nuclear program is a clear and present danger, because Ahmadinejad is a crazy fundamentalist and he’s going to do All the Bad Things in the World, all by himself. He’s going to nuke Israel! He’s going to nuke America! He’s going to sell nuclear secrets to terrorists! He’s aiding Assad in Syria! For instance:

But one need not only fear nuclear proliferation to understand the threat posed by Iran. Its current leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has frequently threatened to ‘annihilate’ his opponents – most notably, the Israelis.

That is no idle threat. The Tehran’s malign influence has been felt for years in the Middle East where it has sponsored the deaths of countless lives by supporting both Hamas and Hezbollah. More recently, Ahmadinejad has also been providing a vital lifeline to Assad’s regime. This has included the supply of men, money, and munitions, all of which have been deployed to deadly effect in civilian areas.

Or this:

And there is an apocalyptic scenario as well – if sanctions or an Israeli strike do not destroy the Iranian program, Iran could soon launch a nuclear strike against Israel. Why would it consider such a holocaust? Because of the theology its president espouses.

Some nice lady said a thing about him one time:

During a campaign stop in Blaine, Minn., on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin lamented that neither she nor Hillary Clinton would be able to attend next week’s anti-Iran rally in New York City and vowed that she and GOP presidential hopeful John McCain “will not waver in our commitment” to prevent Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from obtaining nuclear weapons and potentially starting “a second Holocaust.”

And there’s this:

Just a few days after the anniversary of the September 11 terror attacks, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will travel to New York City. Once he arrives he will be handed a platform to incite violence and hostility from the center of the UN universe, just a few miles from Ground Zero.

This is a man who openly advocates genocide, brazenly endeavors to commit terrorist attacks on American soil, kills and kidnaps Americans abroad, brutalizes his own people, sponsors terrorism around the world, and is on the verge of acquiring a nuclear bomb.

Today, on 9/11, we need to ask why. Why is he being given this global megaphone?

You’ll note that last one was from Fox News, and it shows–very fair, very balanced. Well, Iran just held a presidential election, and History’s Greatest Monster was term-limited (which seems odd given the near-absolute power I’ve been told he possesses, but maybe he just got tired of being president or something?). Turns out the Iranians elected the guy who appears to be the most moderate of the candidates who were allowed to run by the religious establishment, Hassan Rouhani. So now that the horrible, evil, fundamentalist nutjob Iranian President, who was a clear threat to bring about the Apocalypse or the Mega-Apocalypse, or whatever, is going to be replaced by a guy who seems to be fairly reasonable, I’m sure Fox News will tell us to let it be, it’s getting better all the time, here comes the sun, obladi-oblada, right?

Ha ha of course not. The election of the moderate Rouhani doesn’t matter, silly, because the Iranian presidency doesn’t have any authority over anything, and what’s more, it never has! Suck on this:

Since the Iranian Revolution in 1979, elections in Iran are a symbolic game. Unlike the government advertisements, or propaganda, showing old footage of Iranians at some polling stations that now are typically empty, the people of Iran don’t have any role in electing a candidate to represent them. Whoever the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei, decides to be the president of Iran will only be in power as a delegate who follows the rules of Khamenei.

Throughout Iran, it is our experience that there are only a few minority groups who support the government and go to the polls willingly on Election Day. However, most ordinary Iranian citizens are forced to put their ballots in the box on Election Day or face losing their government benefits.

See? Ever since the 1979 revolution, Iranian elections are a total sham, as opposed to the deep, meaningful events they were under the totalitarian despot who ruled Iran before that! Iranians mostly don’t want to vote in these travesties anyhow, which is A True Fact that can be proven by us having just written it. Do we really have to spell this stuff out for you guys!

In Fox News’ defense, having defined the same office as being a powerless puppet of the Supreme Leader and an all-powerful threat to the survival of mankind, they’ve definitely bracketed the limits of the Iranian presidency’s authority. Somewhere between “none at all” and “all of it” lies the actual amount of power that the Iranian president, whoever he might be, is able to wield. Excellent reportage, Fox!

But, really, it’s Khamenei you should be afraid of, and should have been afraid of this whole time, silly US Amercian! And you must always be afraid of him, except that he’s 73 so you might be tempted to stop fearing him when he croaks, but don’t worry because we’ll think up some new Iranian Who Should Terrify You whenever that happens! The people change, but the fear must remain! God bless Fox Amercia!

Author: DWD

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