Today in peons oppressing the wealthy

Forbes magazine has long been on the front lines of the daily struggle for US American millionaires and billionaires to escape their near-constant brutalization at the hands of minimum wage workers, welfare recipients, and the poor in general. But recently they’ve scored two direct hits in the war for (billionaire) equality.

Most recently they published a piece called “Give Back? Yes, It’s Time For The 99% To Give Back To The 1%” (you can tell that Forbes articles are written by important rich people because they spend the extra money To Capitalize Every Word In The Title) by Harry Binswanger, and I know what you’re thinking here, “You mean THAT Harry Binswanger?”

Thank goodness it’s not the other Harry Binswanger. That guy is a total dick.

For those of you who are not even familiar with THAT Harry Binswanger, rest assured that he is Right because he “defend[s] laissez-faire capitalism, using Ayn Rand’s Objectivism,” so obviously he must be Right, that is just Science.

Be warned, poors and/or salaried workers! Harry Binswanger is bringing the fight for social justice (for billionaires) to your doorstep! He’s not taking any more of your systemic repression lying down:

For their enormous contributions to our standard of living, the high-earners should be thanked and publicly honored. We are in their debt.

Here’s a modest proposal. Anyone who earns a million dollars or more should be exempt from all income taxes. Yes, it’s too little. And the real issue is not financial, but moral. So to augment the tax-exemption, in an annual public ceremony, the year’s top earner should be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Yes, goddamnit, a thousand times yes. Our nation’s millionaires have toiled in the shadows far too long. What’s the point of even being a CEO these days, apart from the 230:1 ratio of CEO to median worker pay? I mean, less than 15 years ago that ratio was almost 385:1, which, OK, maybe that’s something, but then America went socialist or whatever and suddenly we’re down at 230:1? Why should any rich person even get out of bed for 230 times the average worker’s salary? No, we as a people must do more to aid the oppressed (billionaires). Sure, exempt them from all income taxes, but that’s definitely too little, probably since the tax burden on the richest US Americans keeps going down. The Congressional Medal of Honor? Well, that’s kind of a military honor, and while I completely agree that people who make a lot of money are way more important than people who go fight wars and protect us and stuff, it still probably can’t happen. There is the Presidential Medal of Freedom, but try convincing Comrade Kenya to put down his copy of Das Kapital long enough to give an award to some real US Americans, amirite?

What about the Congressional Gold Medal? This is a possibility, but have you seen the list of Congressional Gold Medal recipients? You’d be asking our precious successful money-makers to share an award with beatnik poets, long-haired musicians, foreigners, non-Christians, professional athletes, and blacks. Ew, thanks but no thanks, right? No, we’re going to need a new award. Let’s call it…The BinswangerTM!

The Binswanger preliminary design
THE BINSWANGERTM preliminary design

A couple of weeks back, Forbes struck another solid, though less-publicized, blow against our oppressive salaried employees, with a piece called “Who Wastes The Most Time At Work?” by Cheryl Conner (FULL DISCLOSURE: I can’t be sure that this piece was written by THAT Cheryl Conner, but please give it a chance nonetheless). Cheryl is concerned that salaried workers, who I think we can all agree are pretty much rolling in it these days, are stealing from those who can least afford it: billionaires and large corporations.

A year ago my friend Russ Warner, CEO of ContentWatch, collaborated with me on the article Employees Really Do Waste Time At Work. The interest in that article continues to grow to this day. Today he shared his updated perspective. The verdict: We’re even worse off than before.

Yes, my friends, the post-apocalyptic hellscape that is the underpaid and overworked occasionally checking Facebook at work is upon us.

When you hire employees, you expect them to be efficient and do the job right. The employees who seek you out most generally ramped up their resumes, interviewed, and wanted their job. So why, once they get the job, do they slip into habits of time wasting and self-entitlement?

Yes, if there’s anything wrong with this once-great nation, it’s obviously the sense of self-entitlement into which so many salaried employees have slipped.

According to recent data from, employees give the following responses:

·      34% of employees say they are not challenged
·      34% say they work long hours
·      32% say there’s no incentive to work harder
·      30% are unsatisfied with work
·      23% are just plain bored
·      18% say it’s due to low wages

As dismal as these reasons may be, all of them contribute to a lack of productivity. With no drive to work hard, employees simply plod through their work unfocused and unmotivated and get little done each day. Menial tasks become accepted as a way to fill time.

Sure, worker productivity, and corporate profit, actually continues to rise while wages have been stagnant for as long as anybody can remember, but is that supposed to matter? It’s not about how much our long-suffering billionaires are overworking their worker drones right now, it’s about how much more they could be overworking them if those greedy workers weren’t literally stealing the bread gold-plated iPhones right out of the hands of the real victims here, the children (of billionaires).

It gets worse when you find out what people are wasting the company’s time on:

Another distraction that is a huge issue from the standpoint of workplace liability is pornography viewing at work. Nielsen has found that 25 percent of working adults admit to looking at pornography on a computer at work. And 70 percent of all online pornography access occurs between 9 AM and 5 PM.

Obviously our–wait, no, that is pretty bad, seriously. Look, the idea that we’re suffering a crisis of distracted, unproductive workers at a time when worker productivity is rising is ridiculous, so by all means check your Facebook or whatever, but for Christ’s sake, don’t look at porn at the office, OK? Other people aren’t going to want to see that. Exhibit a little self-control, maybe?

Anyway, good on Forbes for standing up for those (billionaires) who can’t stand up for themselves. Maybe someday we’ll manage to build a society where the billionaire occupies the same exalted socio-economic perch as, say, the minimum-wage worker, but until then we can only keep fighting the good fight.


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