BREAKING: International Criminal Court surrenders to global whale syndicate

Look, I know they’re dolphins. I have a very small pop culture vocabulary that I can rely on here, OK? It was either this or shoehorn in a “Sex Panther” gag from Anchorman.

Well, prepare to welcome our new Cetacean overlords, my friends, because the day John Bolton warned us all about, probably, has finally come to pass: the damn United Nations, via its International Criminal Court, has ordered a stop to humanity’s last line of defense against the whales, Japan’s “scientific” whaling industry science thing that is totally for scientific purposes, with science. Japan will now have to rethink its entire Southern Ocean whaling program, all on account of bogus technicalities like “hey, um, this is awkward, but your scientific whaling program never actually produced any science as far as we can tell” and “no, seriously, we can’t find any science here anywhere,” and “what were you actually researching, which wine pairs best with which kind of whale?” and also “HOLY HELL YOU MEAN NOBODY EVEN BUYS THE DAMN WHALE MEAT ANYWAY?”

Anyway it would appear that Japan can still keep scientifically whaling as long as they do a better job of pretending that it’s really about science, but I think it’s fair to say that humanity has signed its own death certificate. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen a whale go on national television and seriously ask whether a black hole could have swallowed an airplane but nothing else, so we’re clearly not going to outwit them.


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