You get a cookie, part 11 of ???: Dov Charney, former CEO of American Apparel

Between spending most of last week feeling like I was dying of the Spanish Flu, playing host to our neighbor’s dog all weekend (which I of course treated like we were a five-star dog resort in danger of getting a bad review on dog Yelp instead of just letting the dog do its own thing), and trying to somehow figure out how to get some steady work in this town, I’m afraid I’m mostly tapped out in the brain region right now. So I’m outsourcing most of this to Wonkette’s sister site, Happy Nice Time People:

American Apparel canned founder Dov Charney just because he loved to shove his wang in his employees’ faces, like that is even wrong. Now Dov Charney gonna sue for the damage to his spotless reputation. Oh, and also: they only offered him a million a year to stay on “in a creative capacity.” OUTRAGE.

You know, at this point, for a million dollars (and just the one time, not annually) I’m pretty sure I’d let Dov Charney shove his wang in my face (OK, that’s a joke borne out of my ever-mounting frustration and terror over not being able to land a regular-type job or at least expand my freelance writing gig, and in no way intended to diminish the experience of people who have actually had unwanted wangs shoved in their faces, which is a terrible thing and something that Dov apparently likes to do on the regular), so if I wasn’t already inclined to dislike this Charney guy, this would have done the trick.

“By presenting Mr. Charney with this absurd and unreasonable demand [to take the $1 million/year low-profile gig or get fired], the Company acted in a manner that was not merely unconscionable but illegal,” [lawyer Patricia] Glaser claims in her letter to the board.

Yes, offering somebody $1 million/year to do nothing is totally unconscionable and should probably be punishable by disemboweling or something. Hey, you know what else is unconscionable and, presumably, illegal? Repeatedly sexually harassing your employees, am I right? And yet, here we are anyway. Also, the thing where you kept masturbating in front of the reporter who was writing about you doesn’t appear to have been illegal, but was probably unconscionable. So maybe American Apparel isn’t really the one being absurd here, you know?

“Hey, like, where’s the rule that says you can’t wave your junk around at everybody whenever? Oh, really, an actual law? Huh, how about that?”

Mr. Charney, I’m sorry you were unconscionably punished with the offer of a million dollar a year job just because you like to wave both your actual and figurative dicks around in everybody’s face whether they ask you to or not. Since you gave up one fortune because Insulting, I got you a fortune cookie to make up for it. Let’s see what the fortune says:

Wow, it’s like the cookie knew just what you needed to hear. Hope this helps!

EDITED TO ADD: Frankly, Chelsea Clinton can also have a cookie here, not for the sexual harassment stuff but for the “very rich people turning their noses up at money” thing.

Author: DWD

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