Thanks to some incredible investigative work by The Economist, new information has emerged about the Iranian people: apparently, they have sex. With each other. On the regular, even:
An 82-page document recently issued by Iran’s parliamentary research department is stark in its findings. Not only are young adults sexually active, with 80% of unmarried females having boyfriends, but secondary-school pupils are, too. Illicit unions are not just between girls and boys; 17% of the 142,000 students who were surveyed said that they were homosexual.
This is obviously big, if true. Not only do Iranians have sex in the way that many other human beings also have sex, but, and we have to stress that this is preliminary reporting so please bear that in mind, there might also be gay Iranians – maybe even more gay Iranians, proportionally, than there are gay Americans.
There is no question that, as Glenn Beck’s “The Blaze” website insightfully pointed out, these findings are “bizarre.” Iranian people having sex just like other people? Gays in Iran, just like in every other country? What’s going on here?
Next they’ll probably tell us that Iranians drive cars just like we d–
Oh my God.
In fact, since this totally bizarre sex report broke, we’ve received a number of confidential reports into the ATTWIW newsroom about Iranian people, and some of them are frankly every bit as shocking. We’ve decided to highlight a few of these for you here:
- Iranian people eat food, just like we do! What?
It’s true; our sources tell us that people in Iran consume foodstuffs much the same as we Americans do. Even stranger: while the particular foods that Iranians eat might not be familiar to some Americans, many of the components of their food are very similar to the sorts of things that Americans eat, and some could even be in your kitchen right now! Please don’t panic and throw your food away though, because it’s still safe to eat!
- Iranian people need to drink water to survive! Whodathunkit?
We didn’t believe this one at first, but after talking with some science types, we were able to confirm a sketchy report that Iranians have to drink water to replenish bodily fluids, just like other human beings! Crazy, right?
- Many Iranians live in permanent physical structures, similar to our “houses” and “apartment buildings”! Can you believe it?
I know what you’re thinking, “Now you’re just having a laugh at our expense,” but it’s true! We’ve learned that Iranians often live in dwellings that would not be unfamiliar to the rest of us!
- Iranian people communicate verbally and with written words, just like you and me! WOW!
Again, this may seem totally strange, but Iranians talk to each other and are able to communicate even complex ideas verbally, just as many Americans can do! It turns out that Iranians use different languages, most commonly something called “Persian” or “Farsi,” but, and this one was really inexplicable, many Iranians have actually learned English! How? We’re not sure! Do they have educational institutions in Iran, reminiscent of our schools? We’ll have to keep digging on this one.
- Iranian people enjoy dancing!
OK, admittedly, we already knew this, but that doesn’t make it any less chilling.
What other bizarrely familiar things do Iranians do? We’ll keep you informed of our latest findings!