Lindsey Graham campaigns on a “Punish Thoughtcrime” platform

“Wrongthink is doubleplusungood,” says area vanity presidential candidate, adding, “those who commit thoughtcrime must be executed, LOL KIDDING.”

“If I’m President of the United States and you’re thinkin’ about joining al-Qaeda or ISIL — anybody thinkin’ about that? — I’m not going to call a judge, I’m going to call a drone and we will kill you,” Graham said at the Iowa Republican Party’s annual Lincoln Day Dinner fundraiser.

Yeah, if you’re “thinkin’ about joining al-Qaeda or ISIL,” which is a “crime” in the same way that “thinkin’ about joining the army” is “military service,” a President Goldstein Graham will drone your ass, and you can be damn sure you won’t get the due process that you don’t actually need because you haven’t yet actually committed a crime. Got it? It’s all good for a laugh, because killing people is inherently funny and it’s fun to joke about all the ways you’d like to do it.

Presumably a President Graham will be droning these thoughcriminals on US soil, and I think there’s a strong counter-intuitive case to be made for trying to maximize collateral damage here. After all, you never know how many innocent bystanders might also have engaged in wrongthink at some point, so you’d better kill as many of them as you can just to be sure. I kid! Senator Graham and I are joke-makers!

"In a Graham administration, drones will be armed with tactical nuclear weapons"
“In a Graham administration, drones will be armed with tactical nuclear weapons…uh, HA HA”
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