Finally, the long awaited announcement has been made! You know what I’m talking about — a certain someone is about to get a big-time promotion! That’s right, Demi Lovato is starting her own record label! Way to go, Demi!
Oh, and in other news, a Pennsylvania man announced that he plans on losing the Republican primary for a second straight time. We may have a photo:
In honor of Rick’s big day, I thought I’d link to my collection of his Greatest Hits, like the time he compared himself to Nelson Mandela, or the time he compared gay marriage to paper towels for some reason, or the times when he compared Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Maximilien Robespierre, or when he said he was pretty much just like a soldier on account of how he’s a politician and those are pretty much equivalent.
There’s plenty of time for Rick to rev up the old campaign machine, which pretty much has only two settings — dormant and “I’M THE ONLY THING STOPPING AMERICA FROM TURNING INTO NAZI GERMANY” — and say a bunch of fresh new bullshit for us all to smell. However, it looks like he might have to do it from the D-lister reject debates, at least for now, which makes Rick so mad you guys, for America! Oh, sure, if Rick manages to get into the regular debate for actual candidates you can bet he’ll stop caring about what a horrible disservice the split debates are doing to the American people, due to the scientific principle of Rick Will Have Gotten Rick’s, but for now be sure that this is all a horrible injustice — for the voters, obviously, who won’t get the full Santorum from their campaign experience that they might otherwise enjoy.
There’s no point explaining again why this obviously doomed campaign is obviously doomed, but if you like a fresh take, BooMan ran one a few days ago. Despite the “I finished second last time, therefore it is my turn” vibe that his campaign is going to try to put out in the next few weeks, the fact is that in 2012 Santorum was no more than the last “anybody but ‘Mitt'” suit that the Republican far right tried on, and only after they’d literally gone through every other freaking candidate and rumored candidate (hey, remember when Donald effing Trump was the GOP frontrunner?) they could think of before getting to Rick. These were the hardiest of the anti-Romney diehards, desperate for anybody to support instead of “Mitt,” and they still only came around to Santorum after they’d tried every other possible option. Nobody likes Rick, and that’s not likely to change in the next year or so.
Let’s end on a high note, with South Carolina Team Santorum’s 2011 Hanukkah greeting card. I know it’s not the right time for a Hanukkah card, but on the other hand there’s really never a “right time” for a Hanukkah card with a Gospel quote on it, is there?