DEBATE 2016: Time, channels, and more

Many people are wondering what time the debate is tonight. In fact, people regularly come up to me and say, “Derek, you’re obviously very intelligent, so intelligent, and handsome! Can you tell us what time the debate is tonight, because the losers in the mainstream media”–and they’re just the worst, aren’t they? vile, wretched human beings. I saw some of these people the other day and it’s just–they’re so unfair, so unfair you wouldn’t believe it. People tell me all the time, they say “Derek, it’s unfair how much smarter and more handsome you are than anybody else blogging today, but what about these media people?” Folks, we’re gonna look in to them so much, you’ll be so sick of us looking into them. We’re gonna have to lift these laws about being unfair to me, lift them bigly and maybe tuck in their corners, to stop these people from making a mockery–you know what’s a mockery? Hillary Clinton’s email! You know what I mean? She’s laughing at all of it–you, me, us, radical Islamic terrorism–Anthony Weiner, why can’t that guy keep it in his pants? what a disgusting guy he is, just the worst of the worst–but you can’t trust any of that because Hillary lies all the time, just like Lyin Ted Cruz! No, look, seriously, he endorsed Mr. Trump the other day, and it’s great, it’s really great, I’ve always had a lot of respect for Ted and his dad, who I don’t even know if he actually shot JFK, alright? He just had breakfast with crazy Lee Harvey Oswald! And Ted, no, it’s OK, Ted was mad about that, but it’s OK because he endorsed Mr. Trump and I’ve always thought he was a great guy. Great guy. But the people still keep asking me about the debate–what time, where can I watch it–hey, look, anywhere but cable news, those guys are just disgusting, don’t waste your time–and so forth. And I can promise you we’re looking into this, and a lot of other things too, when this is all over you’re gonna beg me to stop looking into all these things. Believe me, you’re gonna know what time the debate is so well that you’ll wish you never asked what time the debate is.

Thanks, and God bless.




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